OUIJA

Dir: Stiles White (2014)

Finally! Michael Bay and Hasbro get together and make the routinely boring, tediously obvious and downright terrible long-awaited film version of that old party freak out favourite; The humble old iconic Ouija board. Jason Blum of Blumhouse and Paranormal Activity fame can pretty much attach his name to any horror film, make it on the cheep and conjure enough money out of any CGI spook fest to individually choke the ghosts of every one of your dead ancestors, one after the other, for all eternity. Over and over.  Annabelle is the only proof you need of that.

Ouija is no different; Writers Stiles White (also director here) and Juliet Snowden imagine a group of high school kids who miraculously look 15 years older than high school kids who use an old board to contact their recently deceased friend and get a crossed wire with the dastardly spirit that killed her; A spirit called… Doris. Imagine that? Doris! Laine (Olivia Cooke), who coerces her grieving pals into the game, heads over to her dead buddy’s house right off the bat, entrusted with the keys from poor old dead Debbie’s distraught momma and immediately begins dicking around with the spirit realm.

Cooke should run from this like a wounded gazelle; she’s obviously destined for good things. The other sun-kissed, latte sipping kids fade into the background as each of them are knocked off with neither intellect or horror by angry old screaming Doris. She’s not as angry as you’ll be though by the time Ouija rolls past the hour mark and Laine makes the obligatory visit to a mental home to rummage around in the brain of a poor demented lady (Lin Shaye).

Then it’s séance, death, creepy message scratched in a table, talking, séance, death, hand on a window, talking, séance, death, a 30-year-old actor trying to be a teenager riding a BMX, death, talking, etc, until you want to pluck out every hair on your head and burn them individually forever while staring off into a distance which does not exist.

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